Okay, so here’s the thing. I’ve had it with being maligned for my girls-in-white-pants fetish. Fortunately, with all you guys rubbishing the whole thing and poking fun at me, I’m almost cured. What can I say, you lot are a wonderful support system. If I ever pick up a nasty drug problem, I know who to turn to for help. Yes, I said “almost” I know when we met up I told you I was fine, but I seem to have suffered a relapse. I’m working on it, when things get really bad, I try to form a mental image of Straka in white pants.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it works too well and my sperms hang themselves with their tails and in so doing,banish the thought of sex from my mind for a while.

But as is always the case after a bout of tough love from a jury of your peers, I found myself doing some soul searching. Trying to see whether the whole white pants thing is really that odd and whether Ernest is justified in laughing at me and making me feel bad. I mean. I consider Ernest a very knowledgeable person. a gentleman and a scholar, so surely he, of all people, would know which fetish warrants a laugh and which one doesn’t.

So I did some research. No, I didn’t visit porn sites, Google was pretty effective in drawing up some info. There was a site that purpotedly offered insight on this whole white pant thing, but the text accompanying the link was something to the following effect, “Japanese teens tied up for you”. I skipped it. The following fetishes apparently exist;

Spectrophilia:
This is an attraction to ghosts. I don’t know about you, but I think, from a ghost’s point of view, this is pretty disturbing. See, ghosts are generally deemed to be scary, supposed to frighten the **** out of us, so I think it would be pretty messed up if a ghost turned up and you got turned on instead.  Halloween must be such a blast for people suffering from this,huh? Are horror flicks their porn?

Aquaphilia:
The name says it all. The sight of flowing water gets you all excited and has your water flowing as well. I know, I probably shouldn’t have said that, but it was a nasty pun just waiting to happen.
All things considered, this helps justify my apparent loathing towards drinking water. I’d hate to think I’m turning someone on… You reckon people that fall in this bracket would die to see the source of the nile?

Somnophilia:

Turns out it is not such a bad thing to have insomnia. Come to think of it, I may have to rethink this whole sleep to the point of exhaustion habit I seem to have picked up. This fetish basically involves getting turned on at the sight of sleeping or unconscious people.
It’s a great time to be an insomniac or Ugandan origin, yeah?
That said, you reckon watching movies like sleeping beauty gets such people all excited and stuff?
Stuff you should not say around such types: “I’m sleepy”

Trichophilia:
This is where you get really hot and bothered at the sight of Hair. Yeah, that’s right, hair.
Don’t know if you can see it properly, but the dude in the cartoon thingy to the right is telling the damsel in distress, “Hang on, I forgot the condoms in the car, brb”
People with this fetish are likely to be found lurking in the salon or at the barbers. Hmm, who is that blogger with loads of hair? bet said blogger has a stalker.
Amendment: I just realised I may have been wrong about the barber shop bit. Being there watching someone get a haircut must be as entertaining as watching someone get kicked in the nuts…speaking of which…

Phalloorchoalgolagnia: 

Yep. People do get aroused from pain experienced there. Kinda conflicting if you ask me. See, the thing about arousal is that a person gets hard. If such a person is kicked in his GOLOGO (oh red pepper, why must you influence me so) he experiences immense pain…and pleasure…all at once.
It’s like a bloody 2 in 1 deal. buy one, get one free doesn’t have anything on these guys.
If you think about it, getting hit hard may produce a quick er…

Plushophilia:

First off, I can’t tell you enough how bad I feel about bringing this teddy bear out of retirement, but a point has to be made and what better way to introduce the fetish where someone gets turned on by stuffed animals or people in animal costumes…
So yeah, there are people that get a kick out of these things.
Makes you wonder though, when you buy a girl a teddy bear, are you loading the gun that’s going to shoot you in the back?

Sitophilia:
Ever experienced this; someone keeps insisting that he or she is hungry and then when you get to a restaurant, all they do is stare at the food? Me neither, but there really are people who get a kick out of lookin
g at food. I probably should have read up more on this one seeing as I really can’t fathom how anyone can be turned on by Matooke or that millet stuff. “Honey, I brought you some Ugali…Oh yeah, yeah, yeaaaaaahhhhhhh”

There’s loads more where these came from, but I am none too crazy about putting up some of the accompanying illustrations for some of them (eg; Coprophilia – attraction to shit (bracket within a bracket, how edgy!…shit as in poop!), Emetophilia- attraction to puke, Eproctophilia- attraction to farts, Necrozoophilia- attraction to dead animals…and so on and so forth) but yeah, the moral of this story, if ever there was one, is that my white pants thing is not such a bad thing after all. it may not have a fancy name or whatever, but at least you can eat and drink with me nearby and not wonder whether I’m getting turned on by your lunch.

Here’s a to a new week.