Day something or other.

I’m not sure what to call this part of the lockdown. I’m teetering between ‘the remix’ and ‘the end credit scene’, but one suggests the first lockdown was such a hit, we had to have a little ‘sumn’ added to it while the other presupposes that we sat through the first, looking forward to the little extension tagged to it.

No matter, here we are.

The 9-5 has kept me busy, but going by the activity online, I am not firing on all cylinders. I have neither taken to Instagram, filter-free, to offer messages laced with positivity, inspiring the masses through this most difficult of times, nor have I transformed, overnight, into a chef/baker extraordinaire. My cakes continued failure to rise has me convinced that they keep mishearing me when I open the oven door and scream, “You’re important to me!”

Am I jealous? A little.

I wish I too could launch the camera app on my phone and invite someone to discuss the virtues of keeping it together sans make-up or a haircut. I long for the day I can place my phone on the table in front of me and go into a tirade with a topic more meaningful than why Weetabix trumps Cornflakes.

It would be nice to be recognised, months from now, as that guy who spoke with such authority on the fall of celebrity, but the way things are set up, I won’t elicit anything more than, “ah, you finally shaved”.

That’s not to say I haven’t been super productive beyond the demands of my office. Once or twice a week I’ve walked over to the car, given it a few revs and gone back to work. It may not seem like much, but this little contribution to Kamwokya’s carbon footprint brings joy to my one year old.

It will be months before he realises that we never actually went anywhere and that noise from his perpetual honking did nothing to improve the relationship between us and the neighbours.

“Dad,” he will ask, “why are we shifting house and how come our neighbours are escorting us out with pitchforks and nasty looks?”.

My personal issues aside, the people I feel for the most are the slay kings and queens. Dressing up for an audience of one gets old very very fast and to make matters worse, the absence of data from a blesser/sponsor/sucrose guardian means they have to be very very picky about when and how often they broadcast those little snaps and/or tik-tok videos.

It used to be such that they could upload about 7 videos a day for a week as bait, but now they have to contend with the emergence of people who’ve suddenly got more time on their hands and are besting their “look into the camera, craning their neck at an angle” schtick by actually uttering discernible words or, if you prefer the common parlance, “speaking”.

You can’t just cast a net anymore, those MBs have to count.

On the flip side, when, not if we get out of this thing, people are going to give extra scrutiny to how people are dressed, so slayers have to think about that going in. It’s all well and good to have a revealing outfit, but self-preservation suggests people who were willing to risk it all for a possible STD will not want to tempt Corona. Condoms are nice, but masks will be a bigger hit. Maybe this would be a good time to start mask pairing…

That’s an idea, I may not be able to bake anymore, but I can devote my energy to creating Slasks… you know, ‘slay masks’. The average person won’t care for my offering so I I’ll let you be. The money is in animal print masks, masks with little slits, leather ‘face-hugging’ masks and, dare I say it, MINI MASKS! I think bank robbers have messed up the market for the romper equivalent.

The lockdown’s on for another week, so it stands to reason that I can corner the market on these accessories in that time, invite a fashion expert to my Instagram ‘live-feed’ to discuss why they are post-COVID must-haves and have them laugh along at my less than stellar quip about people asking, “Who are you wearing?” when they see the masks on people.

If they fail to make the cut, I suppose they can be repurposed in the kitchen as devices to don before opening the oven door and yelling at the cakes in progress.

Maybe that will get a rise out of them.