I’ll be the first to acknowledge that I hadn’t thought through the evangelical mission I had intended to undertake (ya think?!). But at the end of the day, and I assure you this day is much longer than Jack Bauer’s, I am still into money. Concordantly, I have come up with another idea. I am going to apply for funding to do research. Obviously not from here, seeing as Jimmy Boy has messed me up with his reluctance to get out of jail and fork over the money. You see the stories in the paper, dumb projects get funded all the time. Mine will be different though, they will be beneficial. The findings will read like this…

Most Humans have 5 toes

A study undertaken by legendary researcher Ivan “Goodness Itself” M*****, has proven that human beings do in fact have 5 toes… on each foot. Ivan “all round good guy”, says that he was inspired to undertake the study whilst he was out one day watching grass grow, “ I was looking at the ground when suddenly it hit me. Do all humans have five toes just as I do?” Ivan then applied for funding to conduct his research. However things got off on the wrong foot (heh) when it was discovered that Ivan “Property Master” M***** was conducting his research from squalid conditions. He was thus granted his current abode, which this reporter couldn’t help but notice looks disturbingly better than Bill Gates’….

Martin Luther King does not hold monopoly on dreams, study shows…

World renown scholar Ivan “Insomniac Of Sorts” M***** has made the above claim.

“I also have dreams. That anyone should come out and disprove this…well, that’s just lame, youknow! In fact. Once my application for a research grant is approved by the World Bank (and it damn well will, I have “connections”!) I will go on a worldwide fact finding mission whose sole purpose…which’s sole… generally I will go out mainly to prove that other people have dreams and have just been fearing to come out of their closets.” When this reporter pointed out that coming out of the closet was just not appropriate, Ivan “Can’t Nobody Hold Us Down” M*****, went on a rant describing some of his dreams. This publication however will not go into that, because you don’t pay us enough for sleaze…

Good food goes down well

Ivan, “Man I could eat a pig with weight problems” M***** has finally made good on his promise to show that food does go down well. You, the dear reader of this piece may recall, that some time back Ivan. “I Really Can Eat an Elephant” M***** was asked to produce proof that he did not misappropriate funds for research on food and those other things that go along with it. You will be happy to know that the accused called for a press conference from his hospital bed where he is receiving treatment for Obesity and during said conference proceeded to produce receipts from hotels, inns, markets, people’s homes… He claims that he had them all along, but he was lying on top of them so it was hard to find them. This reporter, however, believes it’s a Fat lie.