It probably started with some poser. Some dude or chic or whatever was sitting there, looked across the table and thought to himself, “self, why don’t I complicate life just a bit…” and suddenly without warning, or if there had in fact been any warning it went unheeded because of suddenness of its very nature, Wedding Meetings were all about the money. . . and the guilt thereafter. Allow me to break it down for you….

Before

In a very malicious move intended to kill the battery that finds solace within your mobile phone, a plethora of texts and calls make their way. The superfluous nature of which never for one second leads you to question the motives. And yet, you should.

The words that are used in the text for one are a tad suspect, “you are kindly invited…” Kindly? Hang on. Someone is doing me a favor? In my experience no good comes out of an invitation that comes my way in the middle of the week. Somehow something awry always occurs.

My brother (I’d like to send a shout out to ma bro!) told me recently that there are no Wedding Meetings held on Mondays. I highly doubt that. It is possible that the wonderful people that organize wedding meetings are yet to discover that there is in fact such a day, and when they do, the messages will read, “You are kindly invited to _______ wedding meeting…and yes, we know its Monday!”

The calls are a little different;

“Hullo, _____, how are you? Man I haven’t seen you since that time back then when it was soooo cold and I sacrificed my jacket / when you were so hungry I gave you the little I had / when you were so horny…. So anyway, I’m getting married….”

During

You find yourself attending the meeting, but somehow you fail to convince yourself that you are here of your own conviction. There’s a nagging feeling in the recesses of your mind that you have been suckered into being here. There’s also a shred of hope that Ashton Kutcher or a member of the Amarula Family will appear out of nowhere and scream “You got PUNKED!”…or “Banange Kiwani!” in the case of the Amarula chap.

That rarely happens, so you’re stuck in a fundraiser of sorts that will last between 2 hours and an eternity.

It would be absolutely alright if the wedding meeting was just that. A gathering of well wishers that are together for the sole purpose of wishing their pals (or blackmailers) well…not a committee that has been put together to recoup the money that was taken during the global fund saga… with extra!

The methodology employed is as diverse as it is lethal…phrases intended to coat the whole thing ring out, “ I will pay an extra 20 thousand shillings to see Ivan sing a Norah Jones Song” there’s some silence and if you look around and are the discerning sort, you will notice that there are shocked expressions sitting on people’s faces and they don’t want to leave…so you make amendments, “ I will pay an extra 200 thousand for Ivan to sing Come Away With Me.” Everyone cheers, your wallet/ bank account mourns and Ivan sings…unless of course Ivan is a tycoon, for then, Ivan gets off his seat and opens his mouth…not to sing, no… “I will pay double that to see you do the South African shuffle that has found its way to, among other places, Steak Out’s Rock Night!”

From time to time the mistake of carrying a “date” to these things has been known to occur with some sort of reckless abandon. Said date in all fairness doesn’t know any better and will keep nudging you, nagging even telling you, “Even you bid!!” That you hang out with people that say things like “even you” kind of sucks. Anyway, as a result of this action you will go broke and will suffer a fractured rib.

But as a consequence of your “selfless” giving, cheering and some hilarity ensue, but not enough to convince you that you really should be here. That it’s by some Divine intervention that you got here. That this is in fact the Purpose that drives your Purpose Driven Life.

There is the Christian approach to wedding meetings which seems to work a little better. You know it’s being employed when, after putting his beer down, the chairman says, “we are here to help our dear brother get some money to wed his wonderful (sister?) Sweetheart.” Then said brother also puts his drink down, suppresses a burp then stands (staggers?) up and waves (with a sheepish grin on his face). I usually lose interest around this part because of what some may call hypocrisy, so I don’t know what goes on after that…

After

You lie awake nights on end wondering why you did it. To be sure, you may have owed them your soul, but they preferred you settled in cash. That did kind of mess things up. You take some solace in the fact that they said the absentees would miss out on the cool thing that is a Stag Party… or some such thing. You come to realize that was a ploy as well, for everyone and their kids always turn up for stag parties. At no point is there some heavy set dude…or chic if you will turning people away saying, “you didn’t come for the wedding meeting, now go away!…hey! Hey…you’ve left this one here, this ten year old, mbu he is not ten? Yeah sure, it must be the haircut…Go away, you’ll come for the wedding”

If, on the other hand, you had the foresight to avoid the meeting entirely, you get a new set of calls and texts… “_______ can’t believe you’d do that, now you shall not come for his/her/its wedding. You Pig!”