Oprah: Today we have a very special guest ladies and gentlemen. We’ve got…. IVAN!
Ivan…. WE are glad…that..you arehere! Isn’t that right audience?Aren’t we glad audience? So Ivan, how does…it…feel? But before you answer, that is the title of the number one book on….. MY BOOKCLUB!!!!! How-Does- I.T. F33L?
((((((audience screams.
Someone coughs.
There’s a “rocket”!
Oprah is dragged off the stage by some dudes from homeland security because she is suspected of harboring a terrorist.
Said terrorist is also taken in for questioning over releasing rockets without a license ))))))
Ivan: So what the heck happens to me?
Person we don’t know yet: I’ll interview you.
Ivan: Who the **** are you?
Person soon to identify himself: I am…. Robin Thicke. Do you want some coffee?
((((((Applause))))))
Ivan: Heck no! Baz told me to avoid it at all cost, said it tastes like builders’ feet.
Robin Thicke: Baz is a cruel person. I slave away to make him the best coffee…it’s made from babies’ tears you know?!
Ivan: Riiiight….
Robin Thicke: So, now that I’ve got you alone, what are you here to discuss…
Ivan: SPAM!
Robin Thicke: Whoa! That’s a complicated topic. Can we talk about puppies and kittens instead?
Ivan: No, I’d rather not. Enough is enough, I have had it, with this mutha****in spam in my mailbox!
Robin Thicke: Are you going to continue typing out my full name? It does get monotonous somewhat.
Ivan: Everytime I open my mailbox there’s some offer on a product that will boost my performance in bed…Its annoying, who says I need this shit?
RT: I thought you wouldn’t ask, Ladies and Gentlemen, Spam Expert; A Blonde Porn Star!!
((((((Applause))))
A-B-P-S : Hi everyone, OHMYGAWD! I am like so totally glad to be here to discuss *censored*.
Ivan: I actually meant S-P-A-M
RT & A-B-P-S : Oh…
RT: Why don’t you just go on a monologue then?
Ivan: I was planning to; I was getting tired of writing for more than one person.
Members of the jury (that’s you!), I am here today to express my ire at the spam that finds its way into my mailbox. I am constantly receiving a bevy of offers from some pharmacy that recently discovered it can make “her” love me more than any other guy. What gives? Who the heck have they been talking to? Is there someone out there actually being interviewed and saying things like, “yeah he is cool and everything, but I gotta say, if you guys offered him, like you know, your product and stuff, it would be like so awesome.” Give me a friggin’ (‘sup Comrade) break! I hate to throw stereotypes around, but I’m a young African male. I DON’T NEED recreational drugs. Surely they know this. It’s a fact that has been exploited in EVERY porn flick imaginable.
Did someone actually go through their database and chance upon my second name and think, “Ugh, Herr Schnikkel Koff, I haf found ze perfekt spezimen! From iz nem, I deduce he is Russian! I vill send email now, ja?”
RT: hehe, Schnikkel Koff…WORST IDEA is in stores now! BUY IT or I’ll come to your place when you have visitors and prepare coffee!
Ivan: What the ????
RT: I was allowed to come here provided I endorsed the book… Can you believe it? No? Go on.
And who ever looks into the content of said email? Mbu she will love me more than any other guy. Yeah, that’s rich. I can use this as a pick up line, “Hi there, my name is Ivan and I got that email that guarantees you will love me more than that gorilla in a suit that you’re talking to…”
And when they aren’t advertising some “weight-gain” product, its down to some lonely single sex starved vixen that will be available tonight…willing to fulfill my every desire. If I can hook up with her…in ANTARCTICA. How is that going to help me? Am I going to go hangin’ out and every so often when someone checks out some fine lass I whip out a copy of that email and drool?
Because clearly SEX is not enough to grab a person’s attention, {no shit? Seems to have worked back there…} I’m being offered shares in some imaginary company that will go BIG in Japan the next couple of years. They don’t quite tell me what the company does, they just tell me this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me. For all I care some genius may actually be trying to sell me shares in a company that sells palm trees in the North Pole.
At least with Nigerian Spammers there’s some story to whet your appetite.
” dear Broda, I know dis seem like Nigerian email trying to take yo’ money-oh. Oga! I tell you dis broda (sic), this is de real thing, Miss Nigeria has name (sic) you her man and fada of her unburned (sic) child “Iffe”. We want you to give us money for this child so we can make celebrity endorsement (sic sic sic), but first send us your love gift so we know you’re serious about taking dis Nigerian kid out of your life.”
Some spam doesn’t even try to make sense. It’s like some sick joke from some demented chap with a missing ear lobe and a pet goat. On a good day, it reads like this;
” Rainbows leap over her leg, In the twilight of her success the caterpillar makes arrangements to swing the cat under the bush of noon. Sony Mobile blue tooth with prism seeing through your heart and into the next, with milk and cookies, enjoy wine with the one you are down for, rain will stop and sun will shine forever…you can stand under my umbrella, ella ella, eh eh…EH EH!”
RT: STOP!! I don’t need this; I’m putting in for a transfer to someone else’s blog…anyone out there?
A-B-P-S: What’s a blog?
Sometimes you border on the wildy-ingenious. Herr Schnikkel Koff is what just kicked I real good. Still reading …
Oga. 🙂
Like you are invited on Oprah, the same day with a porn star? SWEEEEEEEEEET.
A-B-P-S: What’s a blog? Sleek! ROTFLMAO.
So, now Robin Thicke is up for grabs? Or did u enter a lease agreement with Baz? Can I drop in too…. I’d like to taste some of the coffee he buys.
******Coffee he makes****** Not today please.
That fala told me he was going to the toilet! Gwe Thicke!
lol…ai..the amazing part is u actually READ the spam!
You could do this all day, you know!
me i want Robin Thicke. Please come sing me “Lost without you” and everything else you can sing. oh, heck just come open your mouth.plllleeeaaseee!
Ivan i cant help but actually marvel at the keen observations you often make…i really love Herr Shnikell…reminds me of my German teacher…meine damen und herren das is nicht sehr gut…SPAM. ..this blog made my week and probably vote for classiest post…
still teething. that you actually read that stuff. and … you want someBADY to stand under your Umberella ella ella eh eh…!
Cool…
Nice
I believe i got that spam …the rainbows leaping over her leg and blah blah blah…
i am surprised you have not talked about the ones who are transferring big sums of money and they want you to help do the transfers…
i have just come across your blog and i think i am in love with you!!! Been in your archives!! best read i have had in such a long time
Look,
It is very interesting
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