I like the song “Mary, did you know?” by… well so many people. I personally favour the version by Clay Aiken, the version by Pentatonix is nice too.

On a good day, I’ll sing along – where sing means string the lyrics together loudly in a manner that suggests my voice has enjoyed a relationship with the musician’s. Thus far, I’ve been successful as the family’s holiday spirit or desire to protect their eardrums has stopped them from turning off the sound mid-track. Long story short, I have sung along to this song a couple of times . . .and that’s why we’re here.

During my last ‘duet’ with Mr. Aiken, I thought to myself, what if Mary DID know? Then again, Mary must have known – consider this;

Random heavenly being turns up, tells you a kid’s going to show up in, what 9 months (I don’t know, things change over time) and POOF! You’re going to have questions, I mean you’ve been abstaining, saving yourself for that bloke that does the carpentry thing at that place in town and someone you’ve never met says you’re going to have a child and carry the title Virgin long into your relationship.

You’ll demand answers… and no, not about whence the stranger’s come from because clearly this sort of thing happened A LOT those days (great great great great grandpa Lot had visitors too, remember?).

Then again, if you pick up the bible (or fire up that app on your phone) it does kind of paint a picture – Gabriel appeared to Mary AND straight up told her, “Listen! You will become pregnant and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. ³² He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of King David, his ancestor. ³³ He will rule over the people of Jacob forever, and his kingdom will never end.” For reals, check out Luke 1:26-56.

Also, he let Mary know her cousin was 6 months pregnant – not fair, really, if you’ve not told anyone after three months, there’s a reason, but if you’re trying to make a point, some of these things may not matter…

See, Mary DID know… and she was pretty chill about it. Joseph too. . .and in case you’re wondering, so was her cousin Elizabeth – when the baby in her womb heard Mary’s greeting, he leaped.

But what if Mary was from around here? How would that have played out? Google searches place her at anywhere between 12-16years old when she had Jesus, so let’s adjust that a bit and place her in whatever age range you’re in when you’re done with the university.

Ugandan Mary’s taking a stroll along a road that’s NOT Bandali Rise when suddenly a stranger stops her and tells her not to be afraid for he has news…

UG Mary: As in?

Stranger: I want to give you some good news, you’re going to have baby

UG Mary: I die. I haven’t chawed and I have no intention of doing so until I get married. Meanwhile, why aren’t you wearing a mask?

Stranger: First chill. You’re going to have a baby boy and He is going to be amazing

UG Mary: As in?

Stranger: (sighs) first switch on your data and stream this jam

A few minutes later, UG Mary is shook. The Stranger sticks around, not because of that hideous Bugos jam, but because reasons.

UG Mary: So, my son is going to be a saviour?

Stranger: Yes, he’s going to perform miracles, forgive people who repent for their transgressions, generally, he will be a pretty big deal

UG Mary: So, I book a room in a private hospital and chill?

Stranger: No, go about your business as you would, in Dec, stuff will play out as it should

UG Mary: But we’re going to villa, finding a gwa to pash while preggers will be a tight paper and our zzeyis won’t be chill.

Stranger: … as in?

So, anyway, UG Mary posts a selfie to IG and tags it #Blessed #CarryingBlessings prompting a number of friends to drop compliments like, “yes, queen!”, “we’re your country’s coffers, deplete us”, but the one that stands out is from her cousin UG Elizabeth, “Eish, chick, you’re glowing. Lol. If you know, you know”

And, as you might expect, UG Joseph slides into her DMs with a “looking good, babe. What does UG Elizabeth mean tho?”

There’s a very brief moment of panic, UG Elizabeth remembers sending UG Joseph a message about her encounter on NOT BANDALI RISE, so she checks her Facebook messenger to make sure. The message stares back at her, unsent, as if to say ‘you don’t have VPN switched on”.

Because she’s courteous, she sends a voice note saying “I’ll holler” … gives it some thought, and adds, “dzadzi”, doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for UG JOSEPH’s anxiety.

Several blue ticks later, she finally responds and tells UG Joseph he is in things, even though he really wasn’t, but is…Putting Joseph in a mild state of panic – something that would have probably been allayed if there was a song called “Joseph, were you aware?”.

UG Joseph attempts to adjust to the new status quo as UG Mary continues to post pictures of herself to the ‘gram with motivational messages and ‘wink-wink’ hints in her captions, “my load is your lord, lol”, “my son will rule”.

AROUND 9 MONTHS LATER

UG Joseph: How is it possible that there’s NO accommodation on this side of town…

UG Mary: Maybe it’s the pandemic…

UG Joseph: Don’t start

UG Mary: I’m just saying, we still have a couple of unused Latin letters, what are we supposed to do with them?

UG Joseph: I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works

A door opens and someone recognizes UG Mary as that chick on IG that’s been posting all these inspirational messages.

Door opening recognizer:  This is a real honour. If you guys are looking for digs to pash in, you can chill around the back.

The couple offers their gratitude and makes their way to their new quarters.

Door opening recognizer: Hey, how come you post under the nickname “UG Virgin Mary”?

UG Mary and Joseph turn to each other.

Joseph: It’s kind of a funny story, but first switch on your data and stream this jam…