Uganda Bureau of Statistics (UBOS) Enumerator: Hello, I’m from the Uganda Bureau of Statistics. I’ve come to count you.

Resident: I live alone.

UBOS Enumerator: Ah. Okay… so one.

Resident: One what?

UBOS Enumerator: I’ve counted you. You are one.

Resident: I guess.

UBOS Enumerator: I don’t mean to disturb you, but do you have a charger?

Resident: Are you counting chargers now?

UBOS Enumerator: Haha, lolest. No, please. I need to charge my tablet.

Resident: Who says “LOLEST”?

UBOS Enumerator: It was part of our training, please. Some charger.

Resident: What’s the tablet for?

UBOS Enumerator: To count you.

Resident: But you already counted me.

UBOS Enumerator: I need to do it electronically.

Resident: What kind of charger?

UBOS Enumerator: Tablet charger, please.

Resident: What kind of tablet?

UBOS Enumerator: …..

Resident: Well?

UBOS Enumerator: The one for counting people.

Resident: Are you saying it was not charged before you came here?

UBOS Enumerator: Candy Crush, please.

Resident: *sigh* Okay, you can try this one.

UBOS Enumerator: Thank you, but…

Resident: Now what?

UBOS Enumerator: Some electricity, please.

Resident: We can pass the wire through the window. I don’t let strangers into my house.

UBOS Enumerator: That’s reasonable. I also wouldn’t allow a stranger into my house.

Resident: Here’s the cable.

UBOS Enumerator: Thank you. As it’s not working. Do you have power?

Resident: Yes, I was even watching something on TV.

UBOS Enumerator: Was it Oppenheimer?

Resident: What?

UBOS Enumerator: The film of the bomb. You should see it. Eh, the tablet has come on.

Resident: So it’s charging?

UBOS Enumerator: No. There was some ka power left. You know how you can bite a battery and get some juice?

Resident: Are you sure that is safe?

UBOS Enumerator: I used to have a Nokia. Anyway, it’s enough for me to enroll you. How many are you?

Resident: We have been over this

UBOS Enumerator: Sorry, please. The tablet was not on.

Resident: One.

UBOS Enumerator: One like this? As you are lonely.

Resident: Excuse me?

UBOS Enumerator: No need. But now because I’m here, there are two of us

Resident: What does that have to do with anything?

UBOS Enumerator: I should probably write two people.

Resident: Won’t that be a misrepresentation?

UBOS Enumerator: No, it balances out. Because when they go to my place, it was minus one. So here it is plus one. Archimedes Principle.

Resident: What qualifications were they looking for when they were hiring you for this?

UBOS Enumerator: The interview consisted of some exercises with an abacus. Why?

Resident: Figures.

UBOS Enumerator: Anyway. So two people. Next question. Do you have a sex?

Resident: What???

UBOS Enumerator: Even me I’m just asking what I see here. It’s a weird question. Let’s skip it. I’ll tick no because you are one.

Resident: Can we move on?

UBOS Enumerator: Yes, yes. These other questions are easy. I can fill them in. Can you borrow me some MBs?

Resident: WHAT?

UBOS Enumerator: Do you have data? I need to send this to the server.

Resident: How did you come all the way without data?

UBOS Enumerator: I had data. I am a professional, please.

Resident: Then what happened?

UBOS Enumerator: Candy Crush. I lost bundle waiting for lives. Let me tell you, you don’t know your real friends until they refuse to give you lives.

Resident: Fine, let me tether.

UBOS Enumerator: Thank you. Can you also give me lives?

Resident: Sorry?

UBOS Enumerator: It’s okay. Just tether. Eh eh, haven’t I failed to connect to the server.

Resident: You’re joking.

UBOS Enumerator: Now, because there are two of us, do you want to answer my parts since I’m answering yours?

Resident: I don’t know you.

UBOS Enumerator: I’m from the Uganda Bureau of Statistics. I’ve come to count you.