There is a new wave of crime that’s gripped the city…or groped it. Somehow the word sounds pretty inappropriate, but Gripped sounds wrong. I don’t have a dictionary and I’m too shy to ask people around me. The truth is, I live my life in constant fear that I may, one day say the wrong thing and be branded a pervert.
So anyway, the modus operandi, M.O if you will involves people hiding bars of metal in their jackets and then posing as boda boda riders. It’s very likely that they really are boda boda riders and they are not just posing. They just happen to have bars with them. These guys, who the police say are usually “very built and fresh out of jail” take unsuspecting passengers to some shady dark spot and then beat them up. They don’t do it for shits and giggles. This is a precursor to robbery.
Suffice to say, this has got me reconsidering my options for transportation. I generally favor bodas because of the convenience with which we weave through traffic, but shit, I favor being alive more. Call it a weakness.
That said, I have a stubborn streak that just won’t go away. It is this stubborn streak that had me by the side of the road waiting for a two wheeler. I was getting pretty frustrated, because none had turned up and anyone just waiting by the side of the road without a short dress preferably with a slit, bleached skin and a limited command of the English language looks dodgy. Then lady luck threw me a quick glance and availed a boda.
My joy was short lived. The damn thing had “666” on its plates. I mean, seriously, how the heck do you jump on board (?) with no qualms? Especially with this wave of crime? If you got clobbered and ended up at the pearly gates, how would you justify that?
St. Peter: Hi guy. What brings you here?
Jehesophat: Er, I’m dead.
St. Peter: Oh yeah. That sucks. Wanna talk about it?
Jehesophat: Well, lights went dim. Breathing ceased. It’s not really a killer stor…
St. Peter: Haha, Killer story. Son, you crack me up. It was a boda boda wasn’t it. Death by boda. Man, when this whole death thing began it was way less complicated. So this boda, did you have a good look at him?
Jehesophat: No. It was dark, I was in a hurry to leave.
St. Peter: A lot of good that did you
Jehesophat: Hey!
St.Peter: Surely you looked at the plates…
Jehesophat: Er, well…
St. Peter: See. I mean, come on man. What were you thinking? Devil was showing off, didn’t even bother to hide his serial number. Three 6’s. What are you? A pagan?
Jehesophat: No, I actually go to church…weddings, baptisms, funerals, that sort of thing
St. Peter: Well, I’m afraid I can’t let you in. Your remote control is missing a few buttons…
Jehesophat: huh
St. Peter: Your cellphone lacks reception… your pizza has no toppings…your keyboard is missing a few keys…long story short, you are dumb.
Jehesophat: So what happens now? I mean, I’m dead and everything.
St.Peter: Well, we can’t send you down to hell. I know, we will compromise. How do you feel about Local artistes
Jehesophat: I don’t!
St. Peter: Hmmm, okay, so a local artiste you shall be. Adios Amigo!
Zap!
Then there’s boda boda guys that just don’t get it. I will not be impressed by how well you know the country. Seriously. I don’t give a shit. I will, however, be pretty pissed if you claim you know where we are going and then after I er, climb aboard you rely on me as your personal GPS system. I am not good with places. I can’t be expected to know where Ben Kiwanuka street is. I’ve set foot on it, but I didn’t have the sense to stop some random soul and ask, “where am I”, this in part due to the fact that that line usually triggers the animal instinct in people.
I’m kinda sleepy right now, so I will leave you with this;
Boy to girl; This nation is built on trust
Girl to boy: Trust
Boy to girl: Yes. Trust funds
Bonus
Check this guy out
suck on ’em y’all!
– Looks like Cheri has refused
trust funds at NSSF saga lol!!!
and yes aivan, your love for things cheap and untesteed uis wht led to that incident of prestige margarine remember?
-Prestige Marga… wait. That was a one off, kid was naive, discovering the joys and wonders of,er, youth
SOCKS!!!
-er, about that, Cheri. They have been worn already
Wow, Ilike that I can edit my comment here. I wisj all wordpress blogs would do that.
– I wish all blogs would guarantee world peace
My addiction to boda bodas is insane. Hence the many reasons I want a bike.
But the worst way to meet St. Peter is to get hit by those silly microscopic datsun pickups. I mean honestly, what do you tell God? I’m sure He’d send you back to first die properly.
– silly mortal, did you not see the Audi behind the car that hit you? Go back that you my be knocked with honour!
this site looks spectacular! wait go ogle it then i shall be back to read and comment properly.
– did you have to put those two words together? I’ve been reading “google” and wondering what you meant
Hi, my name is Darlyne and I’m a boda boda addict… which is why I am going to buy a scooter.
Aivan, major lols on the trust funds.
– dudes in parliament beg to differ
for me i have a bike….that is to say i have the boda guy’s number so no hustles…but St. Peter wouldn’t be so crass, he’d proly be speaking with ‘thous’ and ‘thees’…
– I too have a boda guy’s number. He calls me Manager. I call him Boda. We good
brilliant stuff. i shall recommend you compose all your posts while high on sleep. yes.
– dude! do you have any idea how long it took me to get this thing over and done with?
don’t fucking tempt me to edit. i am obsessive compulsive…
– fight it, you must. Self Control, you must achieve
and another five minutes…
– feels like an advert when you do it that way
and a further five….*slaps self* snap out of it!
– lookie, a little button that says “edit”…I wonder. . .
three…
– two…
– one…
LOL.
*And to think I thought that you were going to end that last line with: Trust condoms. My bad. 😀
-Oh princess, you just equipped me with a pick up line. You have created this monster 😉
TRUST CONDOMS??? Aww SIS!!! I LOVE THOSE!!!
Where do I sign up to these trust funds? Do I need to attach myself to some rich old white dude?
-from what i gather, you would need to do a little more than just become an attachment. It’s plug and play all the way
Condemned to return as a local artist? To be reborn as Butchaman?
II had no idea Speedy Gonzales was channeling St. Peter. Or is it the other way round?
don’t you dare say that about…channels!
order of hierarchy
Heaven
Purgatory
Local artists(IT)
Hell
– but what if you found these Local Artists in Hell?
things to avoid: being caught dead being a local artist. and then any others.
– There are not many options after that. Seriously.
I’m all stitches! You really can wind a tale
– but it is partly based on a true story 🙂
your sick a roco artis!killah. worse those boda shits rob people okay women of their bags espechalee on parliamentary avenue.!then down town just got worse they aktualee strip,beat and rob you for not buying at theirs.i am afraid!!!!!!!!!
– what happened to the good ol’ days… when people stripped themselves because you wouldn’t buy them… I might have gone off topic
Even after saying you don’t feel local artistes, St. Peter went ahead to make you one. 😆
– It’s getting hit by a boda. it doesn’t go down well with people.
i go ogle again. those fellows are perverts. yes.