I’m not one to speak. My usual approach is to just sit there and be talked about or, depending on how I feel at a particular time, have death threats sent my way. Don’t feel bad on my account, these threats never amount to anything and I stick around for quite a bit. Your friends will likely tell you that they have had  a short stint with me, a fling if you will, but the truth that hides behind those red eyes and brewery breath is that I go as I please, no one tells me what to do or when to do it.

The Meeting

I’ve heard your pals claim that they found me in pubs, bars and the occasional kafunda, but come on, I’ve got more class. It has been my experience from time immemorial that our first meeting usually takes place in bed. People wake up to me. Sometimes, in very inexplicable circumstances, I have competition in the form of a male or female that came home with u and is now looking at you like you spiked her drink.

Okay, I may turn up in some unsavory places like ditches or Mama FIna’s Sips and Swallows, but I can’t be held responsible for your taste in accommodation. To be fair, I’m not as demanding as the broad or dude that’s trying to kick us out.

The start of something special

For the most part I lay dormant, even after you open your eyes and profess to the world that you don’t know me. It’s not so much that I can’t be arsed to fight for recognition, I just happen to believe that good things come to those who wait…so I wait. Then finally, I come with reasonable fanfare, usually accompanied by nausea and a headache. I didn’t ask for this entourage, but surely if you’re okay with the Ewww De Toilet that you’re giving off, my crew shouldn’t be a big deal.

Relationship status; Complicated

For whatever reason you decide that you don’t want me around, don’t you love me anymore? Or is this you playing hard-to-get? I think I get it, you have heard stories from your friends about how we were intimately involved and now you can’t believe you’ve got me. Don’t let that come between us; we have a good thing going. How many people are as comfortable with an open relationship as I am? Go on, do your thing, I’ll be here. Whoa, that was brief.

The break up

I don’t know whether I should feel insulted or flattered that you have no problem discussing me with my Exes. Actually, when I hear you ask how they got rid of me, I have a clearer picture of how I should feel. If you didn’t want me, you wouldn’t have me. Let’s face it, we are both adults, you knew what you were getting yourself into. For some reason you think I’m hydrophobic and attempt to flash me out with water. I don’t know who insinuated that I’m a vegetarian, but for whatever reason you really took to that chicken soup like preventing the rapture depended on it. Don’t get me started on Katogo.

Let’s just be friends

Fine, fine, I finally relented and left. Sure it took a while, but I thought we may have stood a chance. I wonder whether you ever think about me, whether you feel bad when your friends talk about me. Do you miss me? I don’t have to wait long for an answer, I guess, because we both know you will come looking for me again.